well i never write in here anymore. but today is thursday. & i went to school & now im here. i'm sick. but not like i need to lay in my bed im soo sick, but i have a sore throat & a runny noise, and i sound like a man. yes, it sucks.
so here goes everything that im crying over right .. sorry if im stuupid, you don't have to read it.
i think i have somethin wrong with me, and its scary. i've never in my life seen like a daydream happen soo many times in my head before. it don't really make sense probably with me typin on here but all i know is i can be at home, on my way home from school, in a classroom, in a dream overnight, and i see me gettin in a wreck bein in the passenger seat & whoever is drivin me dies. and im hurt real bad i guess cause all i know is i come home from the hospital like 2 weeks later and i have 1000000 comments on myspace. but i don't know who im with. its w/ a girl, and i don't know who tho. i can't ever make out the face. and its scary. cause i aint sad or anything, it just comes about. & it aint bre. cause on my myspace she leaves a comment on our picture that says " i love my steffy". but i don't know how everything is soooo clear ? its like real. & i told my mom but she don't know why thats been replayin in my head either. i don't know. i just hope it really aint comin true with me seein it like 50 times since monday. i don't knowwww. but i honestly do think this world is made of bad luck. well for me & my friends i guess. or maybe just for me. i don't know, but i am a senior and im not attending homecoming, but i really don't care, it doesnt bother me, but other people like to tell me how dumb i am & stuff & it kinda gets sad after awhile. because you get reminded and reminded and reminded & your just tired. and another thang is everyone is leavin this world. soo please everyone who reads this little entry, be super careful is the cars, and stay away from the motorcycles and crotch rockets and 4 wheelers, even tho i can't even keep my brother off of a fourwheeler even when i do try. i know i've said it over and over again about the fourwheelers, how much i hate them and what not, but honestly if it werent for my brother, i would think Duke was jus on vacation. i was talkin to missy bailey today while i was bored in 7th period because i didnt have to do anything, but seriously, if i wasnt smart and didn't catch myself i would say " mag that aint fair all them pictures of Duke up & not as many of you " because i just think okay he's gonna come home at like 5 in the morning, drunk & everyones gonna laugh. ya kno? but then i guess jimmie just draws me back to it. seeing my brother who is my best friend, everyday with a huge scar on his face, you kinda remember everything clearly. theres nothing that has ever happened in my life that would come close to what i felt that day. and along with that noww, i feel like there for 2 months i talked to my brother everyday, told him umpteen million times how much i loved him and how all i ever wanted was a relationship like mag & dukes, and i thought i actually had it, but then everything jus faded away just like i knew it would. because things change i guess. i hate arguing w/ my brothers. especially patrick. hes soo hateful. and even when im nice hes like "yeah well i was gonna play poker but i can't because willie can't come here". okay well i'm sorry. my mother shouldn't let him here anyways. but life isnt fair i guess.
& another thing i can't stop thinking about is britt. brittany was my best friend. she made everything better when nothing was right. shes the one who can be the bitch when noone else can be. but we grew up. we faded away from each other and now matter how hard we try we arent gonna be as close i don't guess. i know that i've ditched her, and im sorry. but i can't be sorry for having new friends. i wouldnt be here today without any of em. my new weekends, i can't give em up. i know i went from spending alnight with her, and now its like stayin out til 3 or 4 with mag & kara, but i can't change anything. and maybe one day i'll realize what i've done, but im still her friend and i always will be. but shes even changed, and has her new ways of doing things. we just arent on the same track i guess & yes it does suck. because i've been thru alot with that girl, but i can't work sooooo hard to have a perrfect friendship ya know? we've tried, but we're just different, and like to many different things. i guess that makes me a slightly bad person.
now when bre says she hates rachel, then has to correct herself, makes me think. the only person i've said i actually hate that i've been friends with before is andrea jobe. and i hate it because todd isnt worth is but everyone in gods creation knows what she did was wrong, really wrong. and honestly, ill post it to the whole damn world because i don't care about todd because he does nothing but start trouble. i sit and think about everyone who was there for me when i was retarded, and wanted to die. andrea and amber were there for me day or night when eric passed away, along with mag, but she didn't have time to talk on the phone til 2 in the morning, lol shes always been a busy girl, but honestly andrea was there the most, i told that girl everything you could imagine. and yeah, i sometimes do wish we were still friends, but then i think okay, if i wasnt careful, she probably wouldve taken eric from me if he was still here, just because thats how she is and you can't have friends like that. so in july i had sex with todd to get back at her. OMG the whole world knows now, but she doesnt. like i don't care right now im letting everything out .. EVERYTHINg. okay well it was the worst thing i've ever done, and he has no reason to be cocky like he is. noone likes todd so im allowed to do this, i'd never do this to anyone but hes does enough shit to me, its okay. but andrea, if something honestly ever happened to her, because these days everybody you think is invisible, and nothing will ever happen to them, it happens. but if she was layin on her death bed, i'd be right there by her side. and i hate to know that we hate each other but i don't need a friend like that. my heart is crooked, and isnt going to be happy until im completely tourn all to hell, and im half way there. i know i need to let it all go, but i tend to hang on to things.
and im sorry for ever saying i hated andrea, i just dislike her i guess.
and my last & final paragraph is, well me & mag were in the car coming from her house the other night, around 11 on tuesday, and she continued to play the new kenny chesney song "who you'd be today" & i had 100 things going thru my head. i run around with mag the most. if you havent noticed im terrified of car wrecks, and i just hope to god nothing ever splits us up. i don't ever wanna leave her nor her to leave me. in three months look at all the friends Duke hadda leave behind.. and poor little brian aint got a roomate nomore because of what happened to Jk. its sad. and it sucks. & i don't knowww im just tiredddd. & saddd. everything seems to jus be getting worse around here. i don't know though maybe im just dumb. oh well.
sorry its soo freaking long, but i hadda type it all out to something. and noone is online, amber is coming here, mag is going to Jk's viewing, and kara isnt up for listening to anyone if she can't talk for 45 minutes, yepp. soo yeah, bye ♥
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
See your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe your gone
It ain't fair you died to young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today
Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Someday's the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday
♥ Rip Eric & Duke.